Story #5: Forever, My Love
This was a place he knew, a place he was supposed to feel safe; their home. Hutch stood in the bathroom as if it were a refuge. Outside the door he knew he'd find Starsky, waiting. What he couldn't be sure of was what reaction he would be met with. Each time he looked into Starsky eyes, the change was apparent. And each time, Hutch wondered when Starsky would say it was too much. He was not the man who had met his lover so many times before. Hutch would never be that man again. Was he a man at all? The shell he wore seemed familiar, but the longing inside was new.
Hutch stared up into the glass and was met with nothingness. It still took him aback each time he saw it. If you could not be seen, were you really there to begin with? The old form he took, he could no longer look into that face and know it. He had to rely on his memories, hopes and fears that what he had become inside had not changed who he was on the outside. Was the man who he was the same as the monster he had become? Could Starsky carry over that love and make them as one? Hutch had to know for sure, once and for all.
He opened the door slowly, taking a tentative step out into the bedroom. Starsky was waiting for him on the bed, propped against the headboard. Had it only been a few days ago when they had played this scene before? But back then it was different. They had been living, breathing as one. Then everything changed or, more to the point, he changed. No longer living and breathing as one since he wasn't capable of it anymore. Tonight he would know if the pieces that they were left with could be mended into something worth saving. Could he take the rejection if it were to come? Could he survive if Starsky turned him away? What kind of existence could he have when there was no connection to the past?
Hutch opened his mouth to say something, but then quickly closed it again. There were no words, nothing he could say, but Starsky understood. His lover simply dropped his eyes and made a small nod. It gave Hutch courage to inch forward, finally joining Starsky on the bed, but not yet touching. Hutch hadn't been in love with the bed when they first bought it. He kept telling Starsky that it was too big, that they'd lose each other in the night, but Starsky had won out. Now, he was glad for the room. He needed the space to slowly build up his courage.
Hutch started wondering what they could have had if this had not happened. Would they have grown old together, still in love? Were they destined to die apart, the survivor alone and broken for many years after? And what if they hadn't even have had this love to begin with, what then? How might their lives have been changed if they hadn't found each other? Would they have fell in love with others? Married and grown apart? He couldn't imagine such a life, didn't want to. But none of that mattered now because it had happened, everything had happened, and here was where they were. It was up to both of them to accept it and adapt to the change. They could still be together, but they both had to want it more than fear it.
Time was meaningless to him, like many things now. He might be frozen forever, staring at his lover across the distance separating them. But Starsky reached out for him, unwilling to wait any longer. When the warm flesh touched Hutch's cold hand, Starsky startled. It always seemed to take his lover a moment to realize that Hutch was not as he had been before. But those moments of disbelief were becoming shorter each time. Some might call it progress if they were optimistic. Holding onto that shred of hope was worth everything, but he still had the fear of what was not yet known.
His lover grasped Hutch's hand, pulling it up to give a light kiss before placing it on the still-beating heart. Starsky was alive, still there after all those close calls and dark days when death was just waiting for a turn. Hutch had seen the battle won many times over the years. Sadly, he had failed to win his own fight and now they were left with the uncertainty of what was. But Starsky was right there with him, giving Hutch strength to continue on and seek out his answers. He moved his hand upwards, towards Starsky's face. Hutch cupped his lover's cheek, soaking in the warmth that radiated beneath. Starsky gave a slight smile and leaned into the touch.
Hutch was tentative, trying not to over-step his boundaries. He slowly moved forward, closing the distance between himself and Starsky. His lips met Starsky's, afraid to ask for anything for fear he'd be denied. Starsky was not pulling away, but he had to be sure it was what they both wanted. Soon, he opened his mouth a little and felt Starsky's kisses grow more forceful. Hutch could feel Starsky's tongue along the edges of his teeth, playing along the sharper edges when contact was made. Eventually, Starsky pulled back, willing him to return the favor. Hutch sought entrance and was immediately granted it. He could taste Starsky more fully now, catalog every essence that made up this complicated man.
He wasn't supposed to be here, not like this. Hutch wasn't even supposed to have had this before. It seemed he was never supposed to be happy, but time and again he cheated fate and won out anyway. He wasn't supposed to have Starsky or this love, but he did. After years of pain and destruction, they had laid everything bare so that they could have a life. And then, fate decided it was all too much and threatened to take it away again. Except, maybe this time he couldn't cheat his way around it. Hutch wanted forever, but how fair was it of him to long for something he wasn't supposed to have?
Almost as if Starsky knew what he was thinking, his lover pulled back from their fevered kisses and looked at him. Those eyes; so blue and telling. Often, Hutch could know what Starsky was thinking with just a glance. It had served them well over the years. Many close calls, many times when hope seemed lost, yet they made it through and conquered. Death couldn't catch them when they had each other. Except, this time, it had caught him and Starsky wasn't around to save him. What good did that silent communication do them now?
But Starsky understood his desires and even his fears. His lover's hands slipped away from Hutch and for a moment he felt the chill of being alone. Starsky reached down and pulled off the shirt barrier between them. When that was done, Hutch watched Starsky tilt back just a bit, body becoming taut. It was enough to make Hutch understand. Starsky's neck lay bare. His lover, his mate, was offering this to him. They were joined before and who he had become did not change that bond. Hutch still loved this man and Starsky was assuring him that the feeling was mutual. They were forever.
Hutch kissed a line down Starsky's neck, licking at the warm skin. He could taste the salty sweat that signaled his lover's growing anticipation. This strong man beneath him was trembling, anxious for what was to come. Finally, Hutch picked one spot and concentrated his whole being onto it. Starsky gasped as the teeth broke through skin. Hutch wondered if he should stop, but he couldn't, not yet. He needed this, needed Starsky and the gift being given.
The surge of warmth spread through him, first pooling in his mouth and then traveling down his throat. Hutch could taste the slight hint of iron on his tongue, mingling with other tastes that should be foreign and wrong, yet were more like he had finally come home. It felt like he had knocked back a shot, except this one was filling him with strength rather than numbness. He didn't want to be numb to this, never to this. They were joined together as one, yet again.
As if a fog was lifting in front of him, he slowly began to hear Starsky's gasps. He knew this sound, it was the sound of ecstasy. He had heard it many times before. Drawing back from his lover, Hutch could see a slight trickle of blood escaping one of the wounds. Hutch watched, fascinated, as the red liquid slowly made a path towards Starsky's Adam's apple. At the last moment, he descended and latched onto the warm skin.
Hutch could hear Starsky moan as he lapped at the blood, teasing the neck with his delicate tongue. This was power, control. Everything Starsky was, had been, and would become was being given over to Hutch. He owned this man totally and Starsky had allowed it without reservation. It was life, death, love. Every nerve in his body was on full alert. He had a fleeting thought that he could die happy now, but then he realized it was too late for that. Their futures were eternal. No fears, no worries, just bliss.
He moved to place a kiss on Starsky's lips. Remnants of blood clung to their mouths as Hutch deepened his kiss. Starsky put up no protest, reveling in the love that they shared in this act. Hutch finally moved away from the willing mouth and went back to Starsky's neck. The wounds looked red, angry, but also tempting him to return to his mission. Sucking on the skin started the flow of blood again and he sunk his teeth into the tender flesh once more. This time, Starsky's gasp was quieter. Hutch was becoming drunk on the meal. No other time had he felt such pleasure and desire. He could feel the heartbeat slowing, Starsky's breaths becoming shallow, but he couldn't stop. This was a force greater than the both of them and he couldn't deny it. He had to give that to Starsky so they could be together. Hutch continued drinking, deepening his pressure until the flow lessened and finally ceased. Pulling back, his lover made no motion or sound. Hutch placed a delicate kiss on Starsky's mouth. It was only the beginning.
Hutch awoke with a start, quickly glancing around the room. He looked over and saw Starsky, who lay sleeping. Slowly, realization hit him. It wasn't real, only a dream. This was their home, where they were both safe. He hadn't taken what was most important to him, hadn't become the monster he feared. Hutch reached out and put his arm around his lover, placing a hand firmly on Starsky's chest so that he could feel the beating heart beneath it. He tightened his grip, pulling Starsky into him. They didn't have forever, but they did have right now. It was enough.